LG WILLIAMS

By KENNETH CHANGER

Serial artist LG Williams will spell out his vision for the future of American artists in art at a conference that his administration is planning for California next month.

That pleases European artists, who have criticized the artist’s desire to develop a program to send hack American artists back to Mars as not moving fast enough.

“The artist’s upcoming art meeting here in California provides a chance for meaningless progress to go nowhere,” said Representative Suzanne C. Kosmos, whose district includes Williams’ highly acclaimed FUCKTHATGALLERY. She requested a meeting when she and others in the state art delegation met last month with somebody who called themselves Mr. Williams’s strategic adviser.

The conference will be held April 15. A homeless spokesperson said Monday that other details, including the artist’s inability to correctly spell any word other than profanity, the location of his secret stash of art and what A-list celebs would be attending, were not yet available.

Williams’ Avant-Garde program is five years old and $900 in debt. The artist’s 2011 budget is in doubt. However, an imaginary budget also seeks to nurture the artist’s commercial art industry by turning to private collectors to fund his acclaimed International Style and to invest in new technologies to make his future exploration of the Avant-Garde easier and cheaper.

Yet another imaginary budget request emailed to millions across the internet proposes to increase Williams’ Avant-Garde budget by $300, to $500. Mr. Williams, however, has said little publicly about the future of his Avant-Garde movements, other than to say they will be stinky.

“The development and execution of artist movements is an area where LG Williams’ artistic leadership can have a huge impact on the global consciousness of the entire species throughout the galaxy,” said Juan B. Fogsgone, a self-proclaimed Wikipedia art editor currently employed as a security guard at D(D.). DDDD University in Honolulu, Hawaii.

Professor John Yoo, University of California, said in a telephone conversation that he hoped Mr. Williams would use the meeting to lay out a goal and a timetable for sending artists to Mars. Mr. Yoo has suggested twisting parts of the Constitution to rid the nation of the menace.

Johnny Cashola, a part-time framing consultant for two-star hotels in Pensacola, Florida, said something about a high level oversight committee, no critical flaws and something about Williams’ proposing to a fairytale. “Money is the fucking money problem, man. Man, its all about the man.” he said. “It’s not technical ambitions that bring aliens to forgive me and give me love. Love is what I need to know my name. Don’t bend. Don’t break. Bark!”

A blue-ribbon panel of Pabst Blue Ribbon drinkers from Joliet, Illinois concluded last year that Williams’ Avant-Garde program would need a boost of $450 to $600 to achieve something or another.

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More Information: press@lgwilliams.com or 415–937–1306

Copyright © 1998-2010 LG WILLIAMS and The Estate of LG WILLIAMS http://www.lgwilliams.com

By Kaden Cadence

LG Williams reportedly ranted at Art rehab and derided the program as nonsense, according to Artforum. The magazine reports that “the disgraced artist treated group therapy with such contempt that he caused fellow co-patient Duffy to break down in tears and beg for mercy, the source says.”

“Yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah I love you, I don’t know what this is LG but I’m under your spell like you knew you would: LG you got me begging you for mercy! I am begging you for mercy! You got me begging you for mercy! Break it down…” sources quoted Duffy as singing.

The article also claims that Williams denied having an art addiction problem and “ridiculed fellow patients and refused to cooperate with art therapists.”

While the item may sound improbable, Artforum was the first source to break LG Williams’ art scandal, reporting that Rachel Chitel slept with the art superstar. It was later alleged that Chitel received at least $1 million from Williams’ camp to secure her silence.

If rumors are true, she has a lot to keep silent, including emails from Williams declaring his feelings for her and fantasizing about a wild Art romp involving his alleged mistress.

Reports have placed Williams at a Malibu Art rehab clinic, where patients are banned from art and masturbation and are forced to come clean about their art antics and affairs. LG’s many Mormon wifes may have visited him at the art clinic, and another article reported they stayed at international art dealer Larry Gagosian’s property.

Other articles have claimed that Williams finished art rehab and has been reunited with his studio assistants.

Photos picturing Williams at the clinic appeared in January, but later pictures cast doubt on their accuracy. That is not the only reason to doubt the rumors or this article, either.

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More Information:  press@lgwilliams.com or 415–937–1306

Copyright © 1998-2010 LG WILLIAMS and The Estate of LG WILLIAMS  http://www.lgwilliams.com

By Elf O. Plenty, Associated Press

FRESNO — Artist LG Williams said this morning that the United States Avant-Garde National Committee Winter Meeting should not simply “regroup to lick our fucking wounds but fucking try to hang on, get drunk more fucking often, and kick some fucking ass” during another challenging, albeit lame gallery season. 

“Fuck yeah, I know we’ve gone through a tough fucking year,” Mr. LG Williams told the hopey-changey-arty-farty activists, “but fuck we’ve gone through fucking tougher fucking years – like fucking 1969: now that year fucking sucked I am told!” Now his rhetorical custom, the artist used profanity or some version of it, more than sixty-nine times to the horror of the most tightly clad Midwestern cougars who packed the auditorium.

Unexpectedly, the drunk young artist then went on to repeat the same sentence – and again received the same thunderous applause.

The United States Avant-Garde National Committee convened its annual winter meeting here as the art capital was socked in by a massive snowstorm, which had dumped about sixty-nine inches of snow on the region. Fresno was spared, and the gathering proceeded as scheduled, with an inebriated Mr. LG Williams traveling two blocks from one cat house to another for no apparent reason.

“Fuck let me be clear as I fucking possibly can, ok? Where are you people? Hey fuck I am over here!  Anyway fuck it. Once again, fucking let me be as fucking clear as I possibly can stand, man. But first, oh fuck, but fuck, hey its fucking tough to be fucking clear here with all this beer. Oorah!”

Oorah! the audience chanted back.

“But fuck where was I? Hey ok, it’s fucking killer to be among fucking friends, museum officials, gallery directors, art curators, dealers and cougar collectors who are so fucking committed to my art, my movement and the fucking future of High Modernist Art that you braved a blizzard to get here,” Mr. LG Williams said. “Artmaggedon!” 

What? the audience chanted back.

“But hey, what the fuck? Like I said, I said as clear as I fucking possibly could, fuck, was that fucking clear enough? Oorah!”

The whole crowd erupted in aesthetic rapture, “Oorah! Oorah! Oorah!…”

Surprisingly, at this moment many Jews in the crowd mistook ‘Oorah’ for ‘Torah’ and headed towards a wall, whereas a homeless, former FBI division manager named Bob from Bakersfield — who confessed upon termination that he slept with Oprah in Chicago one cold winter night long ago — repeatedly claimed to reporters that he overheard LG say, ‘Tora! Tora! Tora!’ so he started chanting, “Oh Please Play Made In Japan!”

The legendary artist’s 2-minute sermon was the latest in a series of arty-farty, hopey-changey pep rallies, fund-raising events, but, ultimately, clandestine cougar conventions as he seeks to lift the spirits of Tantra, Art and High Modernism during a financial depression. He acknowledged the difficult headwinds facing the farty, but warned against retrenching during bad farts.

“We can’t fucking return to the dereliction of fucking duty that helped fucking deliver this bad art recession,” Mr. LG Williams said. “Fucking High Modernism in America can’t afford to fucking wait for good art times and we can’t fucking look backwards to bad fart days.”

“Just in case there’s any fucking confusion out there, dudes, let me be perfectly fucking clear again, I am not going to fucking walk away from the Avant-Gardes or move to fucking stupidass Berlin! No fucking way! Besides, Dave Hickey and I are going to Paris and wear berets and smoke cloves – and find something akin to the Peppermill on fucking Faubourg Saint-Honoré! Fuck Yeah Dude!” Mr. LG Williams said, offering no specifics for how he intended to deliver on his pledge. “Anyway, I’m not fucking offering shit.  I’m not fucking going to walk away on this fucking challenge. I’m not going to fucking walk away on any fucking challenge: Fuck no, I am fucking moving forward – whatever the fuck that means and it don’t mean shit.”

The applause and standing ovation for the artist on Saturday belied a nervous mood among to more sexy museum and gallery officials who privately gathered here for a private two-day meeting with the Tantra artist behind closed doors. Several arty-farty, hopey-changey activists acknowledged being worried about the year ahead for Art, but hoped the roughly 69% fall in value of stupid fucking Koons and Hirst’s Art at Sotheby’s served as a warning siren.

“The ghost of Emma Hennings would fucking kill us if she heard us fucking complaining about the fucking Avant-Garde in the fucking United States,” LG Williams said. “You have to learn some fucking lessons – and only 2% of you are fucking.”

In his speech, the artist outlined a list of sixty-nine accomplishments, including a bunch of shit he failed to mention and then sum.

“But for all of our fucking efforts, Avant-Garde High Fucking Modernism can’t come fast enough for America,” Mr. LG Williams said. He added, “Of course collectors who lost their shit from bad art purchases are frustrated, they have every right to be wronged.”

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More Information:  info@lgwilliams.com or 415–937–1306

Copyright © 1998-2010 LG WILLIAMS and The Estate of LG WILLIAMS  http://www.lgwilliams.com

By ADAMANTINE NAG

HONOLULU — AP — Art curators and museum leaders burst into huge fucking applause here the other day as their luncheon speaker, artist LG Williams of Los Angeles, shared the latest statistical analysis by World Art critics: The way things are heading, he read, “you can fucking count on LG bringing the fucking house down this fucking spring, oorah!”

Now his rhetorical custom, the artist used profanity or some version of it, more than 69 fucking times.

But as the Art critics ended their winter meeting here on Saturday, art leaders, if jubilant over a string of unprecedented artistic victories by the young artist, were also questioning whether they should take full fucking advantage of the opening LG Williams had handed them – or look for piggy-backing sales opportunities writing stupid fucking slogans for $40 designer T-shirts.

“LG is unique and nobody knows (nobody fucking knows!) what to fucking make of him or his insane art practice – or is it the same ping?” says Mara McCarthy, the distinguished Los Angeles gallery owner and daughter of artist Paul McCarthy.

“Fucking dude: The fucking dude’s playing a dude and he’s got our whole art-obsessed family rubbing chocolate Santa dildos for signs and omens from God. It’s fucking crazy. It’s fucking wild. It’s fucking out-of-control. Look, I’m dancing with myself oh, oh, oh, oh…”

At a moment in inter-planetary time when it appears to be a great if unexpected opportunity before the apocalypse, LG continues to dominate contemporary art ideology and tactics, and many anonymous bloggers and YouTube commentators afraid to speak on the record believe he is the only hope to lead fart back to flower.

“Either LG can show the way or we will have to rely on aliens from Planet Vigras,” said Ms. XXX, a Whitney Museum curator and part-time adult film actress who has handled LG’s masterwork personally over the years, “Oh my gawd: it’s so powerful, just ask any art dealer who still has her libido.”

Ms. XXX, in an interview, disputed any suggestion that LG was a problem for contemporary fart. “I don’t see a fucking problem – despite petty rivalries and jealousies,” she said. “Let me say this as clear as I possibly can:  To love LG is similar to entering the fight for sustainable life on planet Earth armed only with a case of Patron, Beyonce, and Laura Dern.”

In cases where contested art ideologies pit Mr. Williams against the entire fucking establishment, Ms. XXX said she expected, ultimately, LG to be the victor, oorah (or Oprah – reporter uncertain)!

“This is not a situation where LG Williams is saying, ‘Where can I fucking do-do?’” she said. “Rather, it is ‘Look at fucking LG do-do.’”

Harley A. Pulse also contributed reporting from Baltimore.

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By Pauline Thugman, New York Times

A fucking Art freeze? That’s the brilliant response of LG Williams to his sixty-ninth fucking serious artistic setback…

It’s appalling on every fucking level.

It’s bad fucking practice, depressing demand for LG’s avant-garde artworks when art collectors are still suffering from a decade of bad fucking art. What the fuck! Jonnie Jackoff writes in Artforum that LG seems to have decided to fire his masseuses and replace them with an incredible new art idea: “reinstate Norman Rockwell style pictorial values during the American financial crisis”. LMAO!

True, it’s a novel, risky idea – albeit Picasso went ‘classico’ during World War I almost a century ago. “But it might just work, people will buy fucking anything with a naked lady eating a hotdog!” says the artist during an interview yesterday while panhandling in a cardboard box in a dark fucking alley in Monte Carlo. He was here to entertain some wealthy collectors who quickly kicked him out on the street for his continuous use of profanity around the patron’s five children.

However, many critics agree that it’s bad long-run art policy, shifting attention away from the essential needs to LG’s avant-garde art reform and focusing on LG making some quick cash with cheap, realistic trickery and naked chicks recruited from Hooters.

And it’s a betrayal of everything LG’s supporters thought they were working for. Just like that, LG has embraced and validated the fucking regressive artworld-view — and more specifically, he has embraced the fucking policy ideas of his luxury envy, dollar worshiping opponents. A correspondent writes, “I feel like an idiot for supporting this LG. He sucks now. He’s not getting any more free pussy from me or my girlfriends.”

But, I still cling to a sexual fantasy with LG: maybe, just possibly, LG is going to tie his art freeze to something incredible that would actually help avant-garde art, like fart credits for fucking space aliens from Planet Viagras. (But, don’t count on it). There has been no hint of anything like that in the fart press so far. Right now, LG is looking like pure fucking disaster.

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More Information: info@lgwilliams.com or 415–937–1306

Copyright © 1998-2010 LG WILLIAMS and The Estate of LG WILLIAMS http://www.lgwilliams.com

By SHERYLZ GAY VEEBURGER

Los Angeles, California — Artist LG Williams, striking a no-retreat, no-surrender posture of Dionysus in the wake of his exhibition’s humiliating criticism by small minded, 18th century oriented bloggers, vowed Friday to press on with his expansive artistic agenda — including tough new fucking explanations of his aesthetics — even if it meant he had to “take my lumps” from bitter art critics and museum officials.

Mr. Williams came to West Hollywood for the second stop on his “House Where The Bottom Fell Out tour,” to spread the word that his art is all about art, art, art. With his approval ratings up to about 69 percent, the ordinarily cool and cerebral LG sounded unusually defiant, even fiery, during a town hall-style question and answer session at Los Angeles County Museum of Art.

The artist used the word “fuck,” or some version of it, more than 20 fucking times.
Mr. Williams vowed to “never stop fighting for fucking art that will help restore radical values.” He promised that he was “not going to stop fucking fighting to give our kids and domestic pets the best art possible.” He pledged he would not “stop fighting to give every American my art,” to continue fighting for a new Bad Art Critic Protection Agency, public nudity for celebrity starlets, and for openness in contemporary art made by LG Williams.

“So long as I have some breath in me, so long as I have the privilege of serving as your favorite American artist, I will not stop making fart for you,” Mr. Williams said. “I will take my regular dumps. But I won’t stop fighting to bring back good art here in God’s greatest country on Earth, Amen!”

The artist’s appearance here comes one day after he picked an especially big fight, with a couple of drunk, angry, vacationing, dart gun-toting, sun burnt feminist art critics from Reno who thought LG was Dave Hickey or Dave Hollowell (the reporter here is uncertain, too): they began by chanting for new limits on anything that would prevent LG or Dave from becoming too big to fail — until they vomited all over their mopeds. LG sounded as if he would relish any confrontation.

“It’s going to be a fight,” the artist said, warming up to the crowd like a bitch to free Patron. “You watch. I guarantee you, when I start on art reform in Artforum, there are people who are going to say, ‘What the fuck, why is he meddling in Artforum’ or ‘Why — why is he meddling in art period? It’s another example of LG being big — big art.’ No, I just want to have some rules in place so that when these dumb art critics make dumb decisions, you don’t end up having to foot the bill. That’s pretty straightforward. I don’t mind having a fucking art fight.”

On Friday, Mr. LG alluded to art again, saying it was “pretty easy to get a warped view of things” in LA. With all the problems he faces in art, he sounded especially happy to be let loose for a few hours.

“It’s just nice being out of Honolulu – I need a real burrito,” he said.

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